The ‘toxic person’ label.
Don't confuse 'Toxic’ with real.
It seems eliminating ‘toxic’ people is the new buzz craze, whereby anything that doesn’t lift you up should be eliminated from your life. While I agree with this on some fronts, it makes me wonder...
Is it always appropriate to label people as toxic?
Surely not everyone is an A-hole, in fact, most people aren’t. When you declare that everyone in the office is toxic, is this really true or are you simply having trouble finding ways to connect with your co-workers? While some people seem committed to bringing down the vibe, or in particular YOUR vibe, before you completely eliminate them from your life and label them as toxic, perhaps just check a few things with yourself first:
1. Could they be going through something hard behind the scenes?
2. Have they always been this way or does history show that they aren’t normally like this? Has there been a change in their behaviour?
3. Are they ‘toxic’ or did they just disagree with me on something?
4. Are they gossiping with me because they are a horrible person, or are they seeking a connection with me and sharing secrets is their way of doing so?
5. Is distancing myself the answer or should I lean in closer and seek to understand first?
And if they are toxic?
Well, if after leaning in you find a particular person does have a tendency to isolate, manipulate, humiliate or control you, or that he or she is in fact actually an A-hole, then try these steps to gently create space:
1. Distance. Start to put more distance between the person and you. This could mean accepting fewer invitations to meet up, extending the time you take to reply to their texts and emails, or taking a different lunch hour, gym class, bus route etc.
2. Establish boundaries. Think about where or how the person affects you most and establish boundaries around this area. This could mean not communicating while you are at work (“Sorry, I like to keep my phone away from my desk during work hours”), or keeping your weekends free. If a particular person tends to draw you into their crises a lot then create a boundary to avoid being drawn into these situations (“I really don’t think I am the right person to help you here”).
3. Unfollow or Mute. Make friends with your social media ‘unfollow’ or ‘mute’ buttons. Muting someone on Instagram is a great way to avoid consuming their negative energy without any confrontation of explaining you're unfollowing. This is also a great way to put distance between you without burning a bridge.
4. Avoid. If you are in a position where you can simply avoid the person, then do so. You may need to practice what you will say if questioned, but skipping situations that will put you in their path will give you the space and freedom to consider their place in your life permanently.
Wouldn’t you rather spend your time with people who are being real? People, who are willing to show precious authenticity? In fact, it’s the realness and vulnerability of showing a true expression that connects people and enables us to see a little bit of ourselves in each other.
When it’s our turn to feel anger, negativity or depressed moments, won’t we want to be with people with whom we can be real? People that will lean in? People will check what’s underneath before they decide to label or eliminate you.